future regrets

maybe i’ll find you in my memories of the ferris wheel.
the first time i sat in that cold metal box, kept warm by a crocheted scarf,
i was dizzy and when i felt my pulse,
it was erratic,
i held on to my seat tightly,
but the ascent and descent made me ecstatic.

i’ll keep looking and my mind will be all over the place.

i’ll find you in my worst fears where you’re a shapeshifter,

in my grief where you’re the one pouring buckets of water on me,

or in the wild moments where i can hear you scream and let go.

maybe i’ll try to fit you in a drawer where i keep the stolen moments
or hide my past,
but i’ll rummage and damage everything,
and i won’t find you.

you’re not for keeping, you know it too. you were long gone and i was soul-searching, no wonder why it all became empty.